Today I received a call from Mariam. She was rather excited to report that Nuriya had somehow managed to grab the top railing of the crib and yanked herself up. Ms. Olympia proceeded to fall down when momz caught her in the act. This kid has potential yo. Another missed "Wish I was there with a camcorder" moment. This one's for the blogs.

The inmates will be running the asylum shortly.

If I were to open a barber shop, I'd call it Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow. Why have I never come across a barber shop named this?

Is Saddam the Ace of Spades or the Joker in the Hole?

Ryan Seacrest must die. What's up Carson Galy^2?

I love it when the host of The Bachelor comes out during that tense moment before Bob must eliminate one last woman. So the host walks in, announces the obvious: "Ladies...Bob...there is one rose remaining." And walks out. This is why I watch the show. I swear.

I hate Lord of the Rings. It reminds me of Dungeons & Dragons which reminds me of drama club dweebs. I played D&D a few times. What's up with those kids that got so into it that they killed other characters in real life? Pathetic losers! A little while ago before it got cold, I saw this drama club freak walking around Tysons in a Neo overcoat. You are so cool guy! Perhaps this is why I chose The Last Samurai over Matrix3.

So when LOTR2 was at the theaters, I went with my friends to check out what all the fuss was about. I fell asleep during the "epic" battle scene. WTH was going on? It was all dark and shadowy and the Dolby Digital was blasting thunderous bass for about 15 minutes before I finally passed out despite the noise. This little trick to battle scenes where they show quick snippets of flying debris and flinging battleaxes before cutting to another angle is getting annoying. Calling John Woo, time to slow these puppies down.

The only redeeming about LOTR is Smeagol. Now that's my boy. A Smeagol spinoff sitcom not based on medieval fantasy would rule. Imagine this cat in an Alf-like TV show. Calling FOX!

Atkins Day 1...scrambled eggs and water for breakfast. Let the induction begin.

Dude, I got me a Dell.

I'm more excited about the 19" flat panel monitor than the computer itself. Sweet deal. Wrote a haiku about it:


Dude, I got a Dell.
Gigahertz, oh how I hurt
Waiting is such hell.

I just wanted to say:

Why-o why-o why-o...
Whyyyyy-o why-o why-o...
...are we so in de-ny-oh?

Saw The Last Samurai tonight. First time at the theaters since Nuriya arrived. She and her mom were at a wedding. Great GREAT flick. Glad we chose it over Matrix Revolutions.

Quote of note:
Katsumoto: Do you believe a man can change his destiny?
Algren: I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.

Rock freaking on.

The landscape looks like my shoulder right about now. Snow is in full effect. Remember two-hour delays and days off from school? As a student I didn't appreciate the fact that Fairfax County Public Schools didn't close at the first sight of snow. Now I've moved to Loudoun County a few years too late. LoCo, Fairfax's neighbor to the west, is notorious for school closings. Nuriya is one lucky child.

So my company gives us an inclement weather hotline to call when it snows. The message never changes: "There is no alert broadcast for today." Bahstidz. I just wish one of these days my boss would swing by and announce we're closing two hours early.

Tom Brokaw: Next up, the fleecing of America. How long has TB been the only dude ever to use this phrase? I can't bring myself to say it unless I use a Brokaw accent.

The Terminator is back. I have been waiting for this moment for a while now. Ever since retro has been in, these classic kicks were just bound to return as T2. My first Nike's. I was rockin' these puppies all 5th grade long. Unfortunately I had not yet reached size 7 so I had the kids version. Representin' the grey and royal blue of Georgetown, these were the joint to have in DC. Unfortunately, there is no way I'm rocking these ugly classics today. Does anyone really buy these old school Nikes and Reeboks?

These days, my boot of choice are the Puma Temo's. Now that's the hotness.

Back.

Pulled an all-nighter the previous evening to beat the holiday traffic. Left NJ at 3:50am and got home at 7:15. Exit 1 on the turnpike now has 10 toll booths instead of 2. Good stuff. Took a nap till noon only to wake up with the cold I knew was coming. All my in-laws had colds. Nuriya woke up all crusty too. But she rolled over with help for the first time yesterday at 2pm. At 10:23pm she ate her first "solids" if you could call it that. We hit up Walmart last night and got her some Gerber rice. Mix one tablespoon of that stuff with 5 tablespoons of water and that tasteless slush is apparently considered a solid.

Oh yeah belated Eid Mubarak! We got Nuriya all gussied up for the day and then ended up returning her first Eid dress. The funny thing is we are sentimental and keep everything! But even Mariam recognized the mistake she made when buying the ugly pink "frock." My daughter was rocking a pleated dress against my wishes.

Nuriya also got her ears pierced on Eid eve. Ruby earrings that don't match any of her outfits all thanks to me. But that's her birth stone and I had to maintain the integrity of that. We got it done at the Piercing Pagoda in the middle of the mall which I wasn't too thrilled about until I found they are affiliated with Zales. But the fact that one of the girls who did her ears was a former co-worker of Mariam's at Hannaford's grocery store didn't help. Nuriya cried for a good minute but was all good after that.

Her grandparents here in VA don't know about the earrings yet though. Gotta collect that eidi tonite!

So I just got out of a boring iftar tomorrow night. Its at my parents' friends' crib. There's these group of paki families who live in the same neighborhood who throw potluck iftars for their circle. The circle was barely managemable at 4 families a few years ago but has now grown to about 8. I moved out of the 'hood about 2 years ago and there were no expectations on me to attend said festivities whilst single. However, as soon as I got married, and had child, expectations to attend have risen exponentially for this expatriat. I've successfully managed to attend 1 out of the 4 or 5 dinners thus far. These aunties are a cunning bunch. They plan for us. They take advantage of the fresh blood (my wife) thrown into this ever expanding circle by merely telling her: "You make that thing you make", referring to the foreign cuisine called boolaney of her native Afghanistan. Effectively pre-empting any counterstrike from the husband who has enough pull to decline invites as he has done successfully for years as The Bachelor. Basically, the signs are out there: "Oldmanville - Next Exit". However, I'm closing my eyes driving the fast lane. Uncles, aunties, outta my way! Darn it, Nuriya needs to pee, gotta look for a pit stop. "Oldmanville, Exits 10,11,12,13,14,15". I cannot escape.

So I hear Britney's got dat "boom boom". I'm in da zone baby, awe yeah.

Doogie Howser should reprise his role on ER. That or a crossover episode with Scrubs. Either of these situations would destroy The Bachelor VI.

Last night I ended up paying some bills. Alhamdulillah I haven't been late on any payments for the past few years ever since I started using MS Money. Excellent credit, keep the 0% credit card offerings coming, so long as they're valid till 2005.

Any way, I think its time for me to find a bank that does free online bill paying. I am tired of sitting at my desk writing checks, stuffing envelopes, licking them, and stamping them. Although self-adhesive stamps are the hotness. Why didn't they think of that in the Fourties though?

I hate when a bill comes out to $4x.xx. I don't know how to spell 40. Sometimes I spell it with a u and sometimes I don't. Fourty makes more sense. Forty looks weird. But forty it is, as I loaded dictionary.com last night. But rest assured, I will face the same dilemma next month when my cell phone bill is due. Unless I find a bank that does free online bill pay.

Mariam's watching Fine Living with Sheila Bridges or some wack show like that. They showed two apartments both decorated by two pairs of guys who live in them. Hmmm...

Gazala officially becomes a lawyer today. So mess with me and I'mma sue!

Found today on cnn.com:

VIDEO
Female high school students suspended for kissing in cafeteria
PLAY VIDEO

Do we really need to see this? Just write about it!

I just peeped out the window. It's really windy out. This speed walker was out walking against the wind, leaning forward to fight the gusts. I found that funny. But it wasn't as funny as his adidas windbreaker puffing up with all the wind. Now that was classic. What up Popeye?

So last night during tarawih prayers my cell phone rang. I know I know shoulda shut it off. Any ways it was some unknown 720 area code #. When I checked my voice mail, it was two minutes of salaat from some other imam, perhaps in another state! I have one cousin in Denver but I don't recognize the 720 #, maybe he changed cell phones.

Since my name starts with A, I tend to be at the top of many cell phones and people misdial me all the time. It sucked when I get 5 minutes of nothing voice mails especially when I didn't know how to forward to the end.

Suhoor check: Mom's left-over rice and chicken roast; Mariam's left-over boneless chicken; one glass of water (ran out of time)

Breath check: kickin'.

Suhoor check: Water from bathroom tap, out the faucet.

I feel like Baja Fresh for iftar.

Find me a good halal gyro joint and dinner's on me. I miss gyro deliveries from College Inn @ UVA. Chicken gyro mmm.

I submit that London Fog is today's Members Only.

The last french fry. Remember those days when you'd fight your sibling over the last of anything? I always used to win that. But now that I'm married, I've learned to contain myself. Although if Mariam insists, I will eat the last Al-Safa chicken tender after a token offering by me. However, I do go out of my way to let her have the last of most things.

Last night, I brought up the last 2 Twix from our unfinished Halloween handouts. One for her, and one for me. I set them on my nightstand and went to do wudhu. Upon my return, both were gone.

With Nuriya growing up, I'm going to have a hard time finishing second to last.

Remember the Cranberries? Calling VH1...

Despite it being Ramadan, I have this repeated urge to say: Shiatsu! The other day we had dinner at the food court in the mall. There's this halal joint called Grill Kabab. The food came out bad so we ended up junking it. Our peoples are the most unoriginal entrepeneurs this side of the Vietnamese. What's up Pho 23? We have Grill Kabab, Charcoal Kabab, Korner Kabab, and Moby Dicks. I have no explanation for that last one.

Any way, after "eating" and attempting to sucker Mariam into getting some Ben & Jerry's, we strolled through the mall and on the way out stopped in The Sharper Image. We basically sat there for a good 30 minutes. Holy shiatsu that was nice. I think I'm gonna get one for us and the 'rents.

Suhoor check: you snooze you lose

Iftar check: pasghetti with home-cooked keema topped with Ragu chunky mushroom & greenpepper sauce purchased at 99cents per with Food Lion MVP card. Three slices of toasted white bread with fake butta. Insha'Allah.

So I got a call this morning from the missuz. Mariam had just finished looking at the Ramadan calendar and noticed that the fasts were starting later and later and ending earlier and earlier. So she called me and asked if when we're 40 will our fasts be even shorter? She is not a trophy blonde. But she sure as heck isn't looking forward to summer 2020!

Referring to the blogworthiness of Ali's post in the comments below Suhoor check:

ayan: that wasn't blogworthy
ayan: it evinced no salient points
ahsan: ayan: that makes it entirely blogworthy
ayan: ahsan i disagreee with your interpretation of blogworthiness
ahsan: interpret this!

Suhoor check: unda toast, 3 glasses of water, pepto bismol

I rocked the vote today. Got me a nifty sticker to prove it.

The past month has been ridiculous in terms of the amount of garbage political mail I've gotten. Just the fact that you are spamming my mailbox repetitively is enough to make me not vote for you. But we have this sister who was running for the County Board. So last night I got the mail and there was a flier from the opposing candidate which said nothing about himself and just gave bogus reasons not to vote for her. Amongst the reasons were: all her fundraising occurs out-of-state (and thus out-of-county). Hello! Her parents live out-of-state and its JUST a county election! What's up Gray Davis? Another reason was that she has no property or car in the County. Hello! Its under her husband's name! I mean what is up with dirty politics? There is just no excuse to send this BS on the last day so that the opposing candidate cannot refute any claims made against her. Ain't no party like the Republican party coz the republican party don't stop (screwing the world).

This blog was paid for by the Friends of Ralph Nader. Sike.

This Saturday night after tarawih prayers we went over to my boy's house to shoot some pool. He just got a new pool table and is now cool. So does anyone really know the rules, I mean really? We just made up house rules after referring to the book a couple times on debateable issues such as: can the person who breaks call whichever set of balls if both a solid and stripe go in? The house rules are pretty much made on the fly as we toil around the pool table. But then why do we get all worked up over the "integrity of the game" when one of us accidentally hits a ball out of place. Another instance of ruining the integrity of the game is when one of us completely whiffs and the cue ball heads in some wild direction and we quickly stop it and place it back at its original position.

You know in high school I had to do a senior project in computer class. I decided to do one on finding the optimal angle to hit a cue ball given any random placement of the other balls. It took me the entire year before I realized I had to implement constraints such as the coefficient of friction and also the fact that it is impossible to write a program that will run for the infinite degrees of angles. Not to mention spin. I BS'd my way into a B+.

On integrity, I always felt the integrity of the show Fresh Prince of Bel Air was lost when they replaced the dark slender mom with the chunky fair one. Props to Uncle Phil though.

This morning after fajr we tried going back to bed. Nuriya, on the other hand, was ready to start her day. All fatherly biases aside, Nuriya is by far the cutest kid ever. The past two days, she's begun by arching her back in ways only she knows how, to look up towards the head of her crib at a flower on her bumper. We really need to get her a mobile! She stays in this poistion, sucking on her fingers, for up to 20 minutes, mashaAllah so cute. Unfortunately I didn't have a camera on hand. Until recently, Nuriya used to patiently wait awake in her crib for her parents to wake up. Or at least not cry until we got enough sleep after fajr. But in the past few days she's discovered her voice! And now she just lets out this continuous squeal which only a parent can love. She went on for about half an hour just talking away. So I'm running on a little less sleep than normal.

Mariam just called. She's got a sore throat and a screechy voice. The funny thing is that Nuriya is confused! A different voice is coming out of her mama's mouth! I've asked Mariam to let Nuriya do the talking today. Can't wait to get home once again.

We had this brit in chemistry class. He used to say "aluminium." We all laughed inside. Otherwise, we didn't really have the same shedule.

"Every man dies. Not every man lives."

I like that. I want to live. But I'm locked in a 9x5 office 50 weeks of the year. At least I have a window now. There's a new recreation store around these parts. They got nifty tents and other survival gear. I need to take a hike.

Ramadan Mubarak all! We're already 10% done. I failed my first test of the month on the way to Tarawih Sunday night this rice boy cut me off and I high beemed him and uttered some colorful words which haven't yet made your favorite 64-count Crayola box. Alhamdulillah I recognized my flaw right away and sought forgiveness.

I have to admit I am afflicted with some road rage but Sunday night made me realize that a middle finger after the fact doesn't really do one any good.

Its a blessing that Ramadan heightens our sensitivities to personal flaws which we might not ordinarily pay attention to. Hate to be cliche but fasting definitely isn't about starving oneself but controlling our nafs. We might be able to blame shaytan 11 months of the year but we can't blame anyone but ourselves during this Holy month.

I pray that everyone takes the opportunity to build upon this month for the rest of the year and the rest of their lives.

We had dinner last night at my parents. They have about 25 clocks in their home. About 20 of them run on electricity so it really sucks when the power goes out. But what sucks more is Daylight Savings. I still don't get why they invented that. But anyway my mom took the opportunity of my being there to have me set back all the clocks in the household. Two days in advance mind you! So as I was setting back the clock on our first VCR (yes we still have our first Sanyo; but it doesn't go as far back as you might think as it is not an audio/video component with wood trim). Any way, my father was like "Don't these gadgets have a mechanism where they can set them themselves?" I smirked and responded "Shyeah right." Pops took it the wrong way and thought I was belittling his collection of old electronics. "So your stuff is better than mine eh?"

Having a degree in Electrical Engineering, I'm supposed to know how to repair microwaves and install ceiling fans. OK I have installed all the ceiling fans in my parent's home. But for some reason the light switch doesn't quite work with the fan as my mom would like. Of course, she wants the dimmer control to control the light and not the fan. Unfortunately, the instructions for the ceiling fan have nothing about dimmer controls. So when she dims the lights, the fan slows down. I hear about it every summer. As for the microwave, my mom feels my degree is worthless.

What's happenin' Rerun? RIP Fred Berry.

You first saw it in Scarface. Your father had one. You started seeing this fashion statement all over the place in the 90s. You dubbed it the "Members Only Jacket" and you didn't even know why. One day we were sitting around at UVA and one of those PSA kids came by and said salam. I had to say it: "What's up with the Members Only jacket?" At that moment, everyone knew. It was worth a chuckle at the time. Years later, I had come to find out that the "Members Only" reference was rather common. There's something about those jackets which speak volumes about the wearer. What's up JC Penny's?

Last night whilst watching The Practice we saw an ad for Trivial Pursuit "The Last 20 Years" edition. It was like a walk down memory lane with lots of Pop culture references. Basically they had a montage of 80s video clips with a voiceover thanking some of the displayed icons.

On that note, I would like to say:

Thank you ALF.
Thank you Balki, with all due respect to Beef, Where's The.
Thank you Chewbacca.
Thank you Deathstar v1 and v2.
Thank you Eurithmics.
Thank you Fat Albert.
Thank you Gremlins.
Thank you He-Man.

I recently saw this Paki kid with a bouffant do. Blow dried and hair sprayed to perfection. On its own, it was enough to garner second and third glances from the crowd. But this kid had on a sparkly purple dress shirt and green contacts. Not that there's anything wrong with that. On second thought, everything is wrong with that. I wrote a haiku about it...

Hey liberaci,
Out of your closet, green eyes
gaze. Jeeti raho.

Ever get the feeling that this guy is falling? Eerie huh?

I've not changed Nuriya's diaper in a while but I have been dreaming of whirled peas.

Looks like we're not balling tonight. Weather's getting cold, sun's setting earlier. Plus the uncles have reserved ADAMS center bball court for badminton. I am a natural born playa when it comes to that sport. I had never played the sport until that one fateful Field Day at Glen Forest Elementary. Got me a blue ribbon. Awe yeah, Ivan Lendl had nothing on me.

I think our family bought one of those cheap nets for our backyard once. Man I was ripping serves like anything. Beware though, shuttlecocks can hurt.

So I want to find a racquetball court that's free. Racquetball balls are cool as hell. Its too bad they come in sets of 2 so I can't show off my juggling skills. Maybe I'll stock up. One can never have enough of those blue balls.

There are a lot of personalized license plates in Virginia. I don't know what it is about this state. We are some funny people though. But sometimes we are PUNJABI or LAADLA. The Honda:Desi rep'n license plate ratio is nearly 1:1.

I got a story to relate about a friend of mine PHUNKY Z. We clowned him and his Amigo to no end about this. One can not get away with such a sociotraffic faux pas. Any way he wanted to change his tags to reflect the fact that he was "Just Chillin'". To give him credit, this was back in the mid 90s. Any way to his chagrin, JST CHLN was taken. So I came up with JSS CHLN. Hommy promptly got his tags. He has never given me credit for this and claims to have come up with the idea on his own. I like to goad him into arguing about it every now and then to the point where he's not JSS CHLN anymore. Irony. Anyway, he has since gotten married and dropped the tags for something like ZXY-5812. Marriage will do that to you. Personal reflection and not a commentary on said friend's marriage.

[NOTE: One of the biggest coincidences of my life occurred when I actually saw a Jeep Wrangler with the tags JST CHLN and my friend's Eclipse JSS CHLN in the same parking lot at Mason one summer.]

So yeah, every other car here has a personalized tag. Mine was 8RAIN until I sold my car. After getting it, I realized people might take it the wrong way and think I meant Brain. In reality it stood for A-Train (my nickname), but I accepted the unintended double entendre.

Glad I didn't get 4RUNNA (read: foreigner) for my old Toyota 4Runner back in the day. But whats up with RED BMW and BLUE Z4? Way to waste $10 a year.

So an imam walks into a bar right...

We visited my in-laws this past weekend and they had those aluminum cups you haven't seen since your last trip to Pakistan. I think I love those, dents notwithstanding. Nothing beats an icy cold Fanta in an aluminum cup. Goes down smoooth. Another plus is that you don't need ice to make the drink taste better, be it soda or water. I asked my mom where I can get those and she claims I'll have to import. I will have a set by the end of this year, mark my words.

So I finally got broadband a couple weeks ago. I live in Loudoun County (LoCo), VA. Its pretty much the internet capital of the world, home of AOL and MCI WorldCom and countless other tech firms. But the high-speed situation was pretty dry. No DSL, no cable (thank you Adelphia!) until two weeks ago. I hate Adelphia, but I hate 56k even more. So now I pay about 50 bones a month to download pages faster. I haven't gotten on the mp3 kick yet. I had broadband when I lived with my parents a couple years ago in Fairfax and used to download junk all the time. When I moved out here, I was stuck sharing a 56k AOL account with my sister and my wife's stepmother (my step-mother-in-law?). For those of you who don't know about AOL, only one user can be logged on at any given time. So we always had these battles kicking each other off. Of course it took about half an hour to dial in and half an hour for AOL to load before finding out the account was already in use. Basically, getting online was a drag for the past 2 years. Now I've discovered blogs and friendster and all this other stuff outside my 2-year routine of visiting espn.com, hotmail.com and cnn.com. So anyone know how to get mp3's and movies without getting busted? Holler at me...

Gotta represent my peoples. My wife Mariam is the love of my life. She keeps my head in the sky and my feet on the ground. Sometimes she even packs my lunch! OK I'm giving her a little too much credit there. But on the real, Mariam's my partna in crime and this line now rhymes. She's my original Nur from the land of light (Nuristan). Now she has blessed me with a light so radiant (Nuriya).

Then there's my sis Gizzy fo shizzy. She just passed the Bar and got a job, mashaAllah se. Things are on the up and up and we're all very proud of her. Especially my parents, ma and pa. Pa's had a good year, first grandkid (Nuriya), and he finally doesn't have to pay any school debts. Speaking of which, I'll set up a Paypal account for you to contribute to Nuriya's fund. Its never too early!

Ma and Pa go by Ammi and Daddy in real life but you don't know that.

My baby girl Nuriya turns 3 months old at 12:57 in the AM. Its been a blast and I wake up each morning looking for more. I keep tellin myself and others that I'm gonna set up a website for her. In due time, in due time. In the meantime, I've been snapping daily pics of her, watching her grow. It is amazing how they change in such a short time, subhanAllah. Matter of fact this evening we went to see my cousin's new kid Zainab and she is so tiny. I almost forgot how little my Nuriya was. I'm reminiscing already.

What is UP? Da boom boom room is now in effect. Suckaz need not enter. This blog will contain random daily (weekly, monthly, at my leisure [read: don't hit the REFRESH button looking for updates]) musings which may or may not relate to me. How is this different from any other blog? Well, if you're peeping this, you ain't peeping another.

Enjoy your stay and take off your shoes, or vice versa.

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